Monday, March 7, 2011

The silence is too deafening

Dear blog,

It has been a while. Currently I am sitting here in my house all alone. I'm supposed to be doing school work since this is a once in a lifetime opportunity when I'm home alone with no one to disturb me. But, hey, procrastination was and will always be a part of me.

Silence has always been a caring friend of mine, but today it has been unkind. A lot has happened to me during the past few days and silence is not the companion I want at the moment. I have been really confused. I really don't want to sit here trapped within my thoughts. I wanna be busy doing something, anything but thinking. But silence has left me nothing but the deep corners of my lingering mind. I have so much school work waiting for me but I just can't put myself to do it. I'm wasting time.

Lately I've been neglecting the people who I really love. They left me no choice for they have been giving me too many problems that I thought I could handle. But, I can't handle it, not anymore. I don't know what to do. I'm just left with a heavy heart even after crying for two and half hours straight the other night.

Praying has helped me in the past but it's not doing the same for me right now. I asked for forgiveness. I know the things I've done wrong. Somehow I don't regret it. I'm always trying to do the right thing, putting everyone's concerns over mine even when they're wrong. That's just how I grew up. I was taught to respect my elders no matter who they were. When I know they're wrong I try to be understanding. I've always been the obedient one. But, lately I think I hit my breaking point. I stood up against them because of something that I really care about. This I couldn't let go. This was mine, my life, my decision. I've been taken advantage all my life. That's what I get for being the middle child and for being too nice. But, I'm tired of it. I've been pushed over for too long. I need something for myself. It's not fair. And, somehow I still don't get what I want. I get punished instead.

I really don't know what to do. The silence is killing me.