Wednesday, May 6, 2009

i'd rather be physically abused than mentally destroyed

Dear blog,

I admit it I'm scared. Elaborate? Sure why not. I don't really know how to start this but here it goes. It's been a while since my last relationship and ever since then I have not changed my views of other "fish" out there, which is unattractive. I don't mean that in a mean way. Sure there are good looking guys out there and others with great hearts, but none have caught my attention. I hate to admit that I was in love once because honestly I'm not really sure if I really was in love. The feeling was strong, yes, and that's why I want to stay away. I was heartbroken and I don't think I would ever get over it. Heartbroken to the point that I'm scared to ever commit again with the opposite sex. Sure I'll get over it, but I'm not so sure when that would be. Please don't take that the wrong way. I'm not trying to say I'm not over my ex because I am.

My last relationship traumatized me. Because of love, or whatever that was then, I have made a complete fool of myself. I fell hard with no one to catch me in the end. I hit the ground hard enough for me to break in a million pieces and there was no one there to sweep the mess away. In a way I'm still broken. I've yet to rise from my ashes like an unborn phoenix. I gave myself completely then. Stayed oblivious to everything around me and focused myself to the only thing that was mine not knowing the consequences, not knowing it will destroy every bit of me.

I knew he wasn't the one, but after the breakup something told me otherwise. Desperation got the hold of me and I couldn't stop it. I wasn't myself at all. I became the person I never wanted to become. I lost my dignity, lost it because of him. I was a mess for a while believing he would come back to catch me and sweep me away. Begging for him to love me the same way he did before. Wanting him for myself and no one else. Jealousy took over me too. I became that "psycho ex girlfriend," someone I never thought I would become. I cried over this boy for countless nights. He destroyed me, made me a fool. I got over myself in due time and glad I did. I felt so stupid, so disgusted at myself, so completely pathetic. I hated myself for that. I lost control of my being. Because of that I made a promise to never love again for a long time. I haven't broken that promise yet, and I don't intend to anytime soon.

This has been hard for me. I don't want to become that ugly person again. So I'm staying away... far far away. I only have one thing left for myself and that's respect for my body. Yes, I'm nineteen and still a virgin and proud as hell of it. That is the one thing no one has taken from me yet and I want to keep hold of it for as long as I could. I've lost love, I've lost my mind, but not that. So, for all my friends who wonder and think why I don't want a boyfriend or why I'm still a virgin I have a perfectly good reason why.

Sometimes when I look at my friends with their other halves, I stop and wonder when I would ever have that again. It seems so far from my grasp at the moment and it hurts sometimes to think that I may never have that again. I don't know what else to do. I've been mentally destroyed and honestly it hurts as fuck to completely lose my mind.

There is only one thing I want to say to my ex if I ever see him again, "FUCK YOU, BURN IN HELL."


No, I don't want to talk about it ...


  1. aww carla. i can so relate 2 u. hi5 for saving the best present we can ever give to the man who truly deserve it.

    if i can say one thing to my be: "IM GLAD I WENT OUT WITH U BCUZ NOW I KNOW WHAT I DON'T WANT" =]

    ily. & keep ur head up. ur prince charming is waiting for u.

  2. well said my love. And i know exactly where youre coming from. It hurts, it really hurts. Thats why I myself am scared shitless of the commitment word like really ..panic attack included. lol. but its also not because i am scared but i havent found anyone that has torn the walls that ive built up so high. and the only one who can will be that one.. or at least for that moment.

    And i wonder too when ill have that again but just remember God is just taking the time to choose the right one for you again. I truly believe that for theboth of us.

    Oh and i completely agree with the whole other half of us part.. we're bitchy so we control that side.

    kk this is long enough,love you.

  3. don't worry, love is bull shit we all know that, the same thing over and over again.

    peep the video if u need guidance at what love is